Gods plan is different than ours.

Gods plan is different than ours.

This is basically a timeline of my last pregnancy. When I was going through everything I felt like I was all alone in what I was experiencing. I know we are told over and over not to use Dr. Google but waiting around to see your doctor can be excrutiating and turning to the internet is second nature these days. Which is why I’ve decided to put my entire story out there for everyone to read. I hate the thought of another mom going through what I have but if she is, maybe she can find some answers here or some comfort in knowing she isn’t alone. Maybe I can find someone willing to reach out and tell me things that I didn’t fully understand during my own pregnancy or someone to give me hope towards any future pregnancies.
Maybe, this heartbreaking post can benefit someone else. That is my hope.

Pregnancy #3
(or as medical professionals say #6, which my husband hated)
I was 28 years old. This was technically my 6th pregnancy although my husband and I never considered it anything but my 3rd. I had previously had 3 very early miscarriages, or chemical pregnancies, between weeks 4-8 all due to very low progesterone levels. With each of my pregnancies I took progesterone supplements. Even though we do consider our girls rainbow babies it definitely helps us NOT to talk about the correct number of times I’ve been pregnant. It’s just a mental thing.

In February, a week before my daughter Everly’s first birthday, I miscarried. I was only around 5 weeks. My doctor had already prescribed the progesterone but my levels were just too low for it to help. I started bleeding and my doctor advised me to quit breastfeeding but before I could even wean her I ended up loosing the pregnancy. Since Everly and I both weren’t ready to stop breastfeeding, my husband and I made the decision to just wait until the end of summer before trying again.

But Gods plan was different than ours.

About a month later I found out I was pregnant again! I hurried and started taking my progesterone & when my blood work came back my levels were a lot better than the last time! Over the next few days I went ahead and weaned Everly. My goal was to nurse her until she was 2 but I couldn’t go through another loss and thought that weaning was the best decision for our new baby. Since I never had a cycle between the 2 pregnancies we didn’t really have a due date and got to do an ultrasound at the very first appointment. I measured 8 weeks along and our due date was set for November 21st! Baby’s heartbeat was 168 and everything looked great! My doctor did point a very small subchorionic hemorrhage but said it was far away from the baby and shouldn’t be an issue at all.

Every appointment went great. We decided it would be fun to wait and announce our pregnancy once we knew the baby’s gender.
We went in early for a private ultrasound where we were told baby was another girl! We were beyond thrilled to add another sweet girl to our girl squad. We took some beautiful pictures with Emily Michelle Photography and used them to break the news.

For that one moment everything in our lives was beyond perfect.

The next day (Monday, June 3rd) I woke up bleeding, basically like a period. I called my doctor and made an appointment to see the nurse practitioner on Thursday.

Wednesday, I called to let me doctor know that my bleeding was progressively getting heavier. She sent us to the hospitals outpatient facility for an ultrasound. Randy met me there & for an hour we got to watch our sweet girl flip around. She was so perfect. We had two different techs looking her and me over and they couldn’t find any reason for my bleeding.

The next day was my appointment with the nurse practitioner. I was still bleeding so she did a cervical exam. She was concerned that my bleeding was cloudy but otherwise my cervix looked good. I was sent home again with not much info other than to stay on bedrest.

Friday, June 7th, I called my doctor convinced I had a UTI. I had started having contractions during the night and just knew after all my late night googling that I had figured it out. My nurse informed me that my urine had tested fine and to just continue my bed rest through the weekend.

But throughout the weekend my bleeding and pain worsened. I struggled with bedrest a lot. I hate relying on others, especially when it comes to caring for my children. Lots of tears were shed. I used my fetal Doppler religiously to check on baby girl and everytime I heard her beautiful heartbeat I’d breath a sigh of relief.

Repeat, Gods plan is different than ours.

On Sunday I ended up in the ER. I’ve never went to the ER before but the pain was intense and we hoped by going in we’d finally get some answers. I felt like I was in labor but also like I had the flu. After 7hrs, 2 exams, blood work and an ultrasound, we were told again that nobody could find any reason for me to be bleeding and that our baby girl was perfect.

Monday I saw my doctor again. He did an exam but didn’t find anything. We really pushed for ANY answer and so he said if he had to guess he thinks maybe my sub-chronic hemorrhage from 8weeks had absorbed into the placenta and was slowly leaking. I was told to continue bed rest and he would see me back on Thursday.

If you have made it this far, Thursday June 13th, our baby girl, Elsa Nicole Musgrove was born. Her pictures will be at the end of this post.

My appointment wasn’t until 3:30 but the entire day I felt like something was wrong. My contractions had started again around midnight and were coming on stronger. Once we got to the doctor I was so uncomfortable. My contractions were so intense I couldn’t sit still through them. I had to walk around, rock, squat, anything to keep me from crying out in pain in front of a room full of people. My husband couldn’t stand watching me suffer, he tried to convince me to go home because our doctor was in a delivery and we were going to be here a while. Around 4:30 I asked a nurse if they could do an ultrasound today before everyone left. Somehow they got ahold of my doctor, approved an ultrasound and found a tech. At this point I felt like I was dying, all I can remember is how tight my stomach was, I’m sure I was moaning in pain but I couldn’t even control it at that point.
But there was our girl, kicking her long little legs, her heartbeat was 180. I wanted to ask questions and ask for pictures but before I could the machine was shut off, we were ushered out and the tech was on the phone. I remember being annoyed, those scans are pricey, but now I know she had some very bad news that she couldn’t share with us. I can’t imagine how hard her job is, to see a beautiful baby kicking around but to know that she wasn’t going to make it and that those poor parents world was about to come crashing down.

Back to the waiting room. It was cleared out by now so I tried to lay on a bench thinking it would help. I laid down and felt a POP, it scared me. I jumped up and ran into the nearest bathroom, my husband right behind me and a nurse behind him. All of a sudden I was bleeding everywhere, all over the bathroom floor. We were met by a nurse with a wheel chair and told we were going to head to see my doctor.

It’s weird how no one tells you what’s going on. I guess that’s the rules, it’s the doctor that has to break the bad news. We had no idea what was going on. I knew I was bleeding and in pain but I had just seen my baby kicking her legs so I wasn’t expecting what was to come.
I had no idea you could loose a healthy baby.

Your placenta has ruptured.

“It’s very dangerous and we need to put you to sleep and deliver your baby. She’s not going to make it.” I don’t remember much else from that. To hear it from my husband will break your heart.

They just took her. I tried to follow and a nurse stopped me and said I couldn’t go. She took me to an empty waiting room where I sat all alone for what felt like an eternity not sure what would happen. I thought I might loose my wife too.

Once my surgery was over they brought Randy back to me and gave us our baby girl. They brought us into a room where we got to stay the night with her. Our third baby girl, Elsa, was born June 13th 2019 at only 17 weeks.

Elsa was the name big sister Emily picked out when we told her we were pregnant.

And again, Gods plan is different then ours.

I’m not sure why God took our little girl. I prayed for weeks that he would heal me and keep her safe. The day before she was born I prayed that he would give us an answer, that whatever happened he would give me the strength to continue trusting in his plan. I’ve never been more faithful than in those moments.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your path.’ Proverbs 3:5-6