This is a series of blog post where women share their own personal stories of Pregnancy, Loss, Miscarriage, Infertility and more. The purpose of these posts are to resonate with other women (or men) facing these same or similar challenges and to let them know that
THEY ARE NOT ALONE!
I know a lot of women fear telling their story because of the stigma around pregnancy loss. Some don’t, but most do. For me the story is easy because I don’t feel as though it’s “my story.” This story is my son, Kizer’s.
I have a beautiful 20 month old daughter named Atalie. She is a light in all the dark rooms. My pregnancy with her was very “textbook.” I had her at 39w3d in a very quick, all natural labor. No pregnancy complications at all, it was literally as textbook as you can get. When she turned a year old I found out I was pregnant again, and boy was I ecstatic!
The first 10 weeks of my second pregnancy seemed normal so I was excited. However, week 10 I started to bleed. I continued to bleed off and on until I was 14 weeks. On February 21st, 2019 I woke from a nap because I thought I had wet myself while sleeping. I’ve never done that before so I was concerned. I cleaned myself up and continued on with my day. About 30 minutes later I felt it again and my heart sank. I called my doctor and told them I thought my water had broke. Since my pregnancy was already being pretty complicated, they were about to schedule me a more “detailed” ultrasound for later that day. I didn’t know what to expect—I still had no answer for the bleeding or anything else.
I went into my ultrasound alone after dropping my daughter off with my mother in law. I sat while the tech did my ultrasound and never once spoke to me. She finished up and told me my doctor would call with the results. Being panicked, as soon as I got out I called my doctor. She confirmed my water had indeed broke—in fact I had none left. Not even a small pocket. She told me to walk over to the hospital and get myself checked in ASAP. I cried in the parking lot. And I mean CRIED. I didn’t even know if my baby was a boy or girl. I didn’t even get to enjoy my pregnancy yet. I faintly remember a random stranger stopping me and giving me a hug. It was all such a blur. I checked in to the hospital and they were booked with women delivering their healthy, full-term babies. For me, this meant I had to be posted up in a triage room. I got hooked up and started on IVs. They ran tests and I heard the babies heart beat. No one really told me much. They just came in, ran their tests, and went about their busy shift. My doctor unexpectedly stopped in. He said that this can happen sometimes and sometimes the water will replenish itself. He wanted to get a more detailed ultrasound again in the am and then he left.
After going through labor—yes, labor—I delivered a small, baby boy over a toilet. My husband had made it to the hospital earlier and had went to sit on the bed after helping me to the bathroom. I looked down, saw him and started screaming. I couldn’t believe it. This couldn’t actually be happening to me. It’s too early to have him. It was all such a blur, I felt so much numbness and pain all at the same time. I will never forget what he looked like. How small, and innocent, yet perfectly formed he was. I was in awe of Gods handiwork on my son. The worst night of my life put me in awe of Gods ability to form life. I had an awesome nurse who helped me through the whole process; along with my husband.
It turns out I had a bad infection, to which they weren’t sure if I got from my water rupturing or if it was the cause of the rupture. I also had a large hematoma on my placenta. What happened to me was called PPROM. I had never heard of it before. I’ve heard of people having their water break early, but not this early. Kizer left this world too soon. To this day I feel as though I lost a child I knew for a lifetime. I prayed for him to stay with me, but that wasn’t Gods plan. I just know God is holding him in Heaven, giving him more life than I ever could. We had Kizer’s name picked out since before we ever had kids. Like his sisters name it’s Hebrew. Atalie’s name means “God is great” and that He is.
Kizer’s name meant “Gift from God” and he was far more than that in his short lifetime.
Since Kizer I have had another miscarriage and several “BFN” (big fat negative) months. But I believe we will get our rainbow one day, and that it will grow up with siblings. I know that this happened for a reason, I may not know the specific reason. But I know it was for a reason. Through this we have got to connect with so many families and tell our story. People have opened up to me about a miscarriage they have told no one else about. For this I am thankful God has let me endure such a hardship. So hopefully I can help other families fight through their loss, and ultimately look to God through it all.
So just know—You are not alone mama. We are here, and we believe in you. “And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21 ESV